Forever Invictus

Silence.

Reblogged from Forever Invictus: Wild Cats Grief is such a strange thing. It is almost like a wild cat, needing to be domesticated so that it can live with a family, in their home, without hurting anyone. I mean, I haven’t exactly been happy since Andrew died, but I have sometimes felt dulled into not [...]

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog. Here’s an excerpt: The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 28,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 10 sold-out performances for that many [...]

Unlike my friend and fellow survivor Iola, who’s already bought and decorated a beautiful Christmas tree, Christmas just isn’t coming to me. Sometimes I see Andrew’s face in my mind’s eyes. I hear his voice in my mind’s ears. I play with his long, strong, lustrous hair. He lets me make lots of little plaits, [...]

I tried to hold on to it, but the picture slipped out of my hands, fell on the floor, and the glass broke. It had never happened to me before, to drop a picture and break the glass, I mean. And this was a picture of Andrew! “What does it mean?” I immediately asked myself. [...]

Last night Robert invited me to a “Cereal Brigade” I smiled “Andrew invited me to a “cereal brigade in writing once,” he said as he took his favorite cereal out of the cupboard. “Really? So Andrew,” I said, stopping what I was doing. “What did he write, how did he give it to you?” “You [...]

Dear Kukunaokala, On this day, one of the anniversaries that have followed the first of your beloved son Michael’s death, I want you to know that I am thinking of you. I think of the first time you “popped” up into my consciousness, commenting on one of my posts. I think of the days, weeks, [...]

Andrew’s funeral was two years ago today. I am not feeling well. I have not been feeling well for days and days and days. I feel as though this has only just happened, but with the accumulated grief of the last two years. I feel depressed. I struggle to start the day. But I do [...]

“Breathe,” I tell myself. “Breathe! You’ve been here before. Even if it looks pitch black, it isn’t. The light is there somewhere. Go on, look for it. Breathe, don’t be afraid.” I keep encouraging myself. To give in and just sleep … But, fuck, no! And I am not afraid to shout for help. If [...]